“Perhaps the most important question we ask is the one we’ve forgotten what it truly means.”
Lately, I’ve been seeing a trend on social media that I found surprisingly thought-provoking. People are asked to say the same word repeatedly, but each time with a different emotion. Anger. Joy. Fear. Excitement. Disappointment. Relief. The word never changes. Only the emotion behind it does. And yet, every time it’s spoken, it carries an entirely different meaning.
It made me think about another phrase we use every single day. “How are you?” Three simple words. Words we say almost without thinking. We ask them in passing. We ask them in meetings. We ask them at different circles. We ask them at the grocery store. We ask them when we answer the phone.
But somewhere along the way, “How are you?” stopped being a sincere question and became little more than a polite greeting. We’ve become conditioned to ask, and Others have become conditioned to answer. “I’m fine.” “Doing well.” “Can’t complain.” And just like that, the conversation moves on.
But what if the answer isn’t true? What if “I’m fine” is simply the safest response? What if behind those two words is someone quietly carrying anxiety, exhaustion, grief, loneliness, disappointment, burnout, or the overwhelming pressure of trying to hold everything together? The truth is, many people are anything but fine.
The executive leading a successful organization may be questioning whether the success they’ve built is costing them the people they love most, health or time. The mother who seems to have everything under control may be emotionally exhausted from constantly pouring into everyone else while running on empty herself. The father working tirelessly to provide may secretly wonder whether he’s present enough for the family he’s working so hard to protect. The entrepreneur everyone admires may be carrying the weight of uncertainty alone because they believe leaders should always have the answers. The young professional climbing the corporate ladder may look successful on the outside while silently battling anxiety, self-doubt, or burnout.
Everyone is carrying something. The difference is that some burdens are visible. Most are not.
The Cost of Not Asking
Over the years, I’ve coached leaders, executives, entrepreneurs, professionals, and families. One pattern continues to emerge. The greatest crisis rarely begins overnight.
Burnout doesn’t happen in a day. Broken relationships don’t happen in a day. Emotional exhaustion doesn’t happen in a day. Disconnection doesn’t happen in a day. They begin quietly.
One ignored emotion. One postponed conversation. One more “I’m fine.” One more day of pretending. One more opportunity for someone to ask… …and not really wait for the answer.
We Have Become Better at Communicating Than Connecting
We refer to some words as weak and some as strong; in the process, we lose the values that they carry, and it’s making us feel like we are more concerned about how we are perceived than how we care. Never before have we experienced so many ways to communicate as we do now.
We can send a message across the world in seconds. We can join meetings from different continents. We can video call family members thousands of miles away. We are constantly connected. Yet many people have never felt more alone.
We’ve mastered communication. But we’ve neglected our connection. We’ve learned to respond. But we’ve forgotten how to listen. We’ve become efficient at exchanging information while losing the art of seeing one another.
Perhaps that’s why one sincere question can still be so powerful. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is this:
People don’t always need someone to solve their problems. Sometimes they simply need someone willing to see them. Someone willing to pause. Someone willing to listen. Someone willing to care enough to ask a question and patient enough to hear the answer.
This is why I believe Human connection is no longer optional; it’s vital to preservation.
We live in a world obsessed with productivity, performance, achievement, and acceleration. But progress without preservation is unsustainable. If we continue producing results while slowly destroying the people producing them, have we really succeeded? I don’t believe we have.
True leadership isn’t measured only by the goals we achieve. It is measured by the people we preserve along the way.
Before Performance Comes Preservation
Imagine if every leader began meetings by genuinely checking in with their team. Imagine if every parent intentionally asked their child, “How are you?” and truly listened without rushing to give advice. Imagine if husbands and wives replaced assumptions with curiosity. Imagine if organizations measured human sustainability with the same seriousness they measure quarterly performance. Imagine if governments recognized that preserving human capacity is just as important as growing economic capacity.
Everything changes when people feel seen. Everything changes when people feel heard. Everything changes when people know they matter.
Perhaps changing the world doesn’t always begin with another innovation. Perhaps it begins with one genuine conversation.
My Challenge to You
This week, I want you to do something different. Ask three people this question: “How are you?”
Then don’t interrupt. Don’t rush. Don’t assume. Stay present long enough to hear the answer they almost didn’t give.
You may discover that the greatest gift you offer someone isn’t your advice. It’s your attention.
Before You Go…
Lately, I’ve been thinking about that social media trend again. The same words. Different emotions. Different meanings. Maybe that’s true of “How are you?” too.
Today, I’m asking you that question, not as a greeting, but with genuine care about your well-being. How are you… really?
Not the version of yourself you present at work. Not the strong leader everyone depends on. Not the parent who feels they must always have it together. Not the entrepreneur who carries everyone else’s expectations. You.
How are you? Because the quality of your leadership is directly connected to your well-being. You cannot sustainably preserve others while quietly neglecting yourself.
If this message resonates with you, don’t let it end as another blog you’ve read and quickly forgotten. Let it become the beginning of a different way of living and leading.
If you’re ready to stop leading on autopilot and begin leading with greater presence, clarity, purpose, and intention, I invite you to book a coaching conversation with me.
Together, we’ll uncover what’s draining your capacity, realign your life around what matters most, and build a sustainable framework for success, one that allows you to thrive personally while leading others exceptionally. Because preserving others always begins with preserving yourself.
Finally, I’d love to hear from you. How are you… really?
Leave a comment below. Not the answer people expect to hear. The honest one. Because your story may be the very thing that reminds someone else they don’t have to carry theirs alone.
Dr. Bola
Book your coaching call today, and let’s design a life and leadership journey that is not only successful but also deeply meaningful, joyfully balanced, and sustainably preserved.
